Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Been through thick and thin

I have been through thick and thin, through highs and lows. I am left with the real me. I see how horrible the world is.

I am still waiting for that big break. The one I always thought I was destined to have. The only thing that gave me hope to live when there was none. No love or happiness, ever, in my life.

When I look back, I remember I always felt special. Never felt I was being treated unfairly. But now I increasingly feel so. I'm an outcast, it would seem.

The things that stand out when I look back: number one: my love, one-sided: Hana Nada.
Then, my home in Sharjah, the comfort and safety.
Then, a lot of emotional people.

And now, me, alone. Not understood, totally lost.

My message I thought was the reason for which I went through such sheer mental torture, alone, in life. It still seems so, though I haven't had any real direct success that I hoped for. Astrology signs tell me that by June I would reap the benefits. We'll have to just wait and see...

I will always love you, Nada and Chaitra.

I thought Chaitra, you would be by my side, helping me. But you didn't seem least impressed by my lonely efforts. Worse, you cut communications when I left a chat message saying I love you. I'm still reeling from that rejection. I can't understand it. My world changed when you did that. I changed. I felt the ground beneath my feet vanish. I need you so much. To give me that self-respect and reason to live 'cause I find none no more.

I love you, Chaitra.

And you too, Boss. I think of you too. And loved you too. But Chaitra was first. And now I should tell you too that I love you, maybe you would understand, unlike Chaitra. But I don't want to lose your friendship the way I did Chaitra's, 'cause it seems to be the best I can hope for.

You did more for me, Boss, and you were worthy of my love more. But Chaitra was more like me, or so I thought. I don't have your endless energy or your ability to look perfect to everyone. People see fault with me all the time. But still you stood up for me like no one else. My God, how many times you stood up for me, gallantly, proudly. I'm really confused now. You are the girl for me. But if you were, you would call me once in a while, right? Why haven't you...

I love you too, Boss.

I'm still not sure I should tell her that I love her. I'm really scared. And for good reason, I should think. Let me check her messages...

Yes, those are very formal, polite messages. No love lost there. So I'm not going to tell her.

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