Sunday, November 23, 2008

Depths of hell

I'm in the depths of hell. I have a toothache, have conjunctivitis in the left eye for a month now, feel extremely uncomfortable, stuck with a person who has belittled me as much as possible.

Wherever I go people insult me and treat me with contempt.

I used to freely express myself once upon a time. I don't anymore, thinking it is the social way - the right way. Hey, I don't care shit for the right way anymore. The right way never helped and never will. See where I am now. Back to square one.

Lesson: Listen only to yourself. The world is a disgusting shitty place with horrible, dirty people sitting in positions of power over you. The dirtier you are, the farther you get in life. Better die than submit to them.

The slightest hint of discomfort, leave. That is my mantra now.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No limits love

When I was in love I did not think about color, race, religion or nationality. I knew at that moment that this is probably never going to work out. But I did it nonetheless because the feeling of love was precious enough. Just like most things I do, just because it feels good and right.

And when I really think about it, her husband or boyfriend will be forever worrying about losing her, trying to make her happy all the time, not getting one moment of peace, forget being able to love her and feel that ethereal feeling that I can.

That I can.

No worries, hassles, not even have to see her aging and lose character, if at all. To me she is still the innocent princess whom I could sense even if I was deaf and blind, just because of the ethereal feeling I had whenever she came close.

Love doesn't have to be a sad affair for the guy who didn't get the girl. After 12 years I can remember her still. And if I think about her deeply enough, it would still take me not more than a minute to feel just as if she were sitting next to me, no different. And experience the ethereal feeling any time I want.

Poor boyfriend of hers, it's probably been ages since he could feel that way, if at all.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

how the world works

When you come down to it, life is not special. Life is nothing but a form of nature that can outwit other forms. The human, who is at the top of the food chain, is an evolutionary product of an infinite number of death and discard of other forms of nature. Superiority among humans themselves is also the same - the result of an infinite number of deaths of the less superior.

Human society is extremely complex in that evolutionary predisposition in favor of the superior is almost the entire basis of it, but the humans themselves rarely acknowledge it. This is how the world works. By a seamless and subtle intertwining of the basic evolutionary principle of survival of the fittest into the core fabric of our societies. How we fool ourselves into thinking the opposite - a world which cares for the needy - is what I hope to expose.

To the degree to which our lives are different from what we really are, that much stress we would have.

A superiority complex cannot exist without an inferiority complex.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Selfishness? Is that it?

There is a beautiful side to everything.

Now that that's out of the way, the important thing I want to say here is...

That I feel I am on the verge of a new breakthrough into how the world works.

I've narrowed it down to just survival of the fittest.

Sounds too simple?

No, it isn't.

God, my thought process just slipped out again like slippery fish in the hand. I really can't handle the thought of people dismissing ideas without thinking about it.

Can't hold it.

The truth. Elusive.

A-ha. Gotcha again.

It's just evolution.

We are all driven by desire, primal, evolutionary hardwiring. And most of the good stuff like helping others, being kind, not to forget - love, etc. is only driven by desire. Selfish desire.

Maybe that's all it is. Selfishness.

Still doesn't feel like the one thing that explains everything. If there's any ability I've got, it's to recognize the truth when I see it. And this still does not hit the spot.

But I feel very strongly that a real breakthrough is about to happen. Also maybe I'll write a book on it, this time on story lines, like The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

The most wise thing I have heard so far is said by the spanish woman in The Spanish Woman movie, which I saw yesterday.

Can't remember the exact thing, but was something like no one gives a damn about you unless they need you in some way, including the people who "love" you.

Since my last few days at the current job are coming up fast, I either will get a new job real quick or free time to get more of this thinking done.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Being at ease

There are two paths of life one can take:

discomfort with oneself - lose oneself in work or play - inability to know oneself through solitude - therefore listen to others' opinion of who one is - live one's life to please others so as to get a better opinion - strive your whole life to please others - remain eternally unhappy

at ease with oneself - know oneself through solitude - live one's life as it suits oneself - be truly happy

Mostly, we all take the first path as we don't have a life though we all think we do. We lose ourselves in work or play, it doesn't matter which.

One way or other, few, if any, are at ease with themselves. It could be the way we are brought up, preparing us to succeed in society like soldiers are trained for war. The artificially/subconsciously imbibed sense that we are worth nothing if we cannot or do not contribute to society. Maybe that is to blame for it all.

On the other hand, I have found absolute quiet and a cool climate to be the requisites for being at ease with oneself. Also being free - not a member of any organization, no responsibility for anyone or anything. Responsibility kills happiness.

But it all surely starts with being at ease with oneself or not.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Everything is fake, including me

My life is a list of failures. Those who need to know, do know what they are. Those who caused those failures.

I have a need for absolute quiet. Rare. Like now. What I wouldn't give to extend it to the rest of my life. Also the cool air.

I'm saying bye-bye to everything. Because everything changed.

But I can't.

I mean, I can. But what if I'm wrong.

I'm finally bowing down my head. I give up.

'Cause I realized, everything is fake, including me.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Dec 21, 2012

I'm not myself...

Anyway, I have finally realized where I stand and the people around me as well. It seems like there is nothing I don't understand anymore.

So what can you take from this? Well, this...that for the past few thousands of years we were fed lies, LIES, L I E S ! ! ! Religion, society, tradition, culture, superstition. Religion being the worst among them.

New age people think all their lies will come to life, be fulfilled as prophesied, in 2012. But won't they be totally stunned when what would happen is the exact opposite...the exposition of all lies, religion suffering the most causalities. Instead of confirming proof for all the lies that society is built on, which they and their loyal adherents waited for, for thousands of years, it would all get a violent put-down.

Hopefully, that is what would happen. But I don't know which is right. All the magical-stuff people think are true or the reality about life which gets ignored as a result. Or do I?

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sociability - knew that was coming, didn't you?

The problem with too much variety is that you lose values like loyalty and sensitivity. True, there is no harm in trying a lot of different things - but not at the cost of the loss of human values.

I suspect that sociability was once the ability to be kind, sensitive and understanding to everyone. Today I suspect it's the opposite of that. People have an idea of sociability in their minds, but they all know it isn't working any longer. It is only a fragment of a concept of harmony in their heads. The more we see that it is not reality, the prettier the dresses and faces must be to make up for this gap. But reality remains the same. People have lost the ability to be truly kind or understanding. A pretty face isn't going to automatically guarantee a kind person behind it. You are more likely to find an insensitive person who is extremely used to getting whatever he/she wants all the time from everyone.

So we have to search within ourselves, do we still have those good qualities deep inside and more importantly, do we have the courage to hold on to those when not a creature for a million miles seems to truly possess it?

Sociability is overrated. I have always felt so. The social people have always seemed boring, bland, and of course, loud and insensitive. Then why are they so "accepted"?

Beats me.

But there is one true revelation I will stick on to. Sociability is based on animal instincts of evolution - it's not logical, rational or fair. How you treat others shows who you are, not your appearance/visibility. It's in fact, downright stupid when you see that sociability is purely based on appearance. Sociability=appearance. Period.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Friend or enemy?

If you're the friend of my enemy, you're not my friend.

I can't believe how loosely words like "friend" and "love" are used. Do people know what these words mean anymore?

I remember when as kids if someone said or did something to hurt me, I would show my litle finger and say "katti" which means enemies and "dosthy" would mean friends, for which I would show index finger and the middle one. In those days, friendship meant a lot, enemies meant a lot - it was a life-defining moment.

Now friends mean people who are allowed to take advantage of you and enemies mean people who aren't allowed to. Or something crap like that.

So life and people have lost meaning and value today...or is it only for me?

Monday, July 7, 2008

How to save the world in 5 steps

1. Set a level of financial capability for parenthood

2. Enact it as a law

3. Form a government division to enforce it

4. Sterilize the offenders

5. Repeat in all countries

http://www.theperfectworld.org/

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Why should I waste my life running after money?

Someone famous said that only a fool would spend the majority of his life earning it. We are all fools who spend the majority of our lifetime earning it.

Sure, not all of us. But look closely, 'cause, honestly, I haven't seen anyone who is not willing to live like a pig swimming in sewage if it would bring in money.

All said and done, even those who can choose to be wise and not spend life's time earning it but enjoying it - still don't.

Oh the adrenaline rush, the feeling of usefulness, my contribution to society....blah, blah, blah. Greed - that five-letter word.

Greed=Stupidity

The only useful contribution to society, ever, is the perfect world theory. Everyhing else is dispensable. Useless. Only brings in a need for more contributions! Ha!

The perfect world theory, on the other ---beep--- hand, ends the need for further contributions. Except of course, the infinite extension of human life. I will bow down to that, and its author. To none else. But only as my second - my idea still will be the greatest ever.

I know I sound ostentatious jibbery-joo. But I have a right to be. A well-earned right, DAMN YOU !

Monday, June 2, 2008

World food crisis

It seems progress has reached its zenith. It seems we are on the way down now. Rising oil prices, food prices. A catastrophe that could eliminate humanity seems on the horizon.

Serves us right. We don't listen to nice soft people who politely say what must be done. We listen to the huge, rude, rich and loud-mouthed ones. We make them our bosses and superiors. We even worship them. We ignore the weak, we listen to the strong. We trample the weak.

And if we ever chose to do something for the weak, we consider ourselves great and honorable.

And now the end is near. I don't know how the world economy works. But I know this. If there was no money, there would be no economy. Nothing that has power over our lives anymore.

I also know that if all the money you needed for a lifetime was locked away, rising prices couldn't affect you. Sure, rising prices = less money. But population control effectively inhibits price increase too, so there would be no inflation to begin with. Money would be in plenty and would hold no power over our lives.

Visit the perfect world to read more...

Sunday, June 1, 2008

We are an extension of nature

We are just an extension of nature. If nature is chaos, so are we.

If nature is ruthless, so are we.
If nature is beautiful, so are we.
If nature is considerate, so are we.
If nature is unpredictable, so are we.

Now I understand why the world is so superficial. Nature is superficial. If you have it, you survive. If you don't, you die. People treated this way in life treat others the same.

Again the perfect world theory makes sense. If nature is circumvented and a more peaceable, albeit artificial, environment is created for everyone, then the same would be reflected in people.

This is a huge, huge truth. We are a tiny extension of nature. Our environments change, we change. There is no freedom of choice.

Of course, the change may not be immediate in fully-moulded individuals, but that should be obvious to anyone with the least bit of common sense, missing which they shouldn't be reading this in the first place.

The whole world seems suddenly extremely hostile

The whole world seems suddenly extremely hostile. I feel I will be mistreated wherever I go. No, that was a mild term, "mistreated." I can't think of the word strong enough to describe my plight. The way that others treat me.

Why am I writing here? There is no one with kindness or goodness who would care. The world was hostile all this while. It only took me some time to realize how bad it was. Or maybe I knew and forgot for a while.

I am not rude. I am not inconsiderate. To anyone.

What is goodness and kindness? Does anyone know?

I don't think so.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Beep...beep...beep...

Long time, huh?

In Bangalore - almost settled. Bought the costliest thing I ever bought - motoscooter. ---beep---My first brush with the law! A criminal! Whatever. Saw people of lesser age stranded bcoz the cops stopped them - i got out quick with all my emotional display and english which they found hard to understand but for some reason impressed them. I could have avoided the police by just taking the left - I could see them and the stranded souls from there, but I was agitated over the ---beep---and was probably thinking, "to hell with everyone." Including myself.

Yes, less than a fortnight into the job ---beep---. It is just inevitable. Asking myself, "Why, why?" isn't helping. Never did.

Still extremely glad to be in Bangalore. The best place in India, I think - definitely the best in South India.

---beep---

Except for that one time. Movie-watching.

Well, after two years, you are pretty settled in your job. Any job. Till then, even movie-watching is difficult.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

They didn't affect me at all

Feel so free... Unbound by the limitations in the minds of others. But why did I let them affect me? Because they were cruel enough to hurt me if I didn't conform to what they thought I should be. They spoke loudly so I couldn't work. They spoke in a language I couldn't understand so I would feel left out. So that they would spare me that torture. And did they? No. Then why?

Why did I let them affect me?

Because I didn't like them and if I was the real me they would know it. And I didn't want them to know it 'cause it could make me universally hated. And that would be cause for concern. I don't want to die.

I don't like you. So I'm leaving.

But there's more. They haven't affected me. I could have only been acting like they affected me so as to keep them at bay. I do this unconsciously with everyone so that they would feel satisfied and leave me and my individuality alone.

That's true because I am feeling free like I said. It was all just an act. They didn't affect me at all. And they will see it for themselves before I leave.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Chennai steals my underwear!

A real estate agent came in and stole my underwear!

He came in to show the house and in the process of showing the house to the people, he stole my underwear from the bathroom! He was rude from beginning to end: I rang twice at the door! Are you going out now? Are you staying alone? (Like that's any of his business.)

I remember the post I did about everyone in Chennai being either a cheat or a thief. At that time I wasn't sure. I felt I was being over-judgemental. But this latest happening removes all doubts from my mind.

I couldn't find my underwear. I was sure it was in the bathroom. On the towel bar. That's where I put it. After a long search, I knew it couldn't be anywhere else since I never put it anywhere else. Then I playfully said, "They must have stolen it," not believing it in the farthest reaches of my imagination. But then slowly it dawned on me. Yes, they did. He did.

Why?

I'm not even going into that.

Monday, April 21, 2008

My way

ex1

Very, very lonely. I mean, things are going my way and I still am not
satisfied. Very sad too. Saw Grudge now. Yes, that bored.

ex2

Facing facts is hard but helps u move forward. Coz you finally realize
what position you really are in. And grow.

ex3

Why is everyone so jealous of my success in whatever I do? So insecure? God!

Can't they learn a lesson or two from me instead of feeling jealous and trying to stop my progress? Especially if they're mallus. Sometimes I feel there is no reason to live.

But now think life is about pleasure. You get it one way or other. That's why even a convict sentenced to death lives. Life is pleasurable. Eating, sleeping, even shitting. The moment there is no pleasure, you might as well die. If you lose your senses altogether.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Feeling Day

7/apr/08

ex1

This is exasperating, cool, painful... I dunno what to say. I'm ashamed. But blameless.

Feeling very sick. Took a mushroom soup - 4 servings at once. Hope I had a SL today but probably theere is no room for that. I feel both sorry for my current company and they deserve it feeling.

ex2

ZET astrology s/w shows me that 2010 is going to be the most difficult year of my life. Wonder what that could be? Health problems, if I stay in Chennai any longer. Lumps and bumps all over my body - all harmless so far. Can what you write become real? Maybe there is a power like that. But I have the capricorn ability of slipping out of any situation when I have pushed too far.

Well, I don't care.

Maybe its all good stuff thats showing as red. 2005 showed red but it was the best year of my life I think.

Like I said, I don't care.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Excerpting from now on ....

I am going to publish excerpts from my diary from now on. Only the parts I am comfortable publishing.

5/apr/08

excerpt 1

Wherever I go people don't want me there. They treat me so badly that I eventually leave. There is no rocket science to this. It happened in my own family. It used to happen in my relatives' houses. It happens with my "friends." Happens at work.

Took me a while to realize, but I finally have.


How bad is it? Very, very bad situation, right? When every human being you see wants to mistreat you.


I can see only two options now: the first that came to mind - suicide. The second - revenge.

I mean, if they don't like me, can't they just avoid me or ignore me? I can deal with that. But to act like they are very interested in me and then hurt me terribly by mistreating me so that I would leave? That is incomprehensibly painful and disgusting.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

A paper and pencil

I'm keeping another diary now 'coz I realized I can never be perfectly honest on a blog.

I feel so much better. I'll say that. It's a way of letting yourself know who you are. It's a way of speaking out and expressing your individuality unfettered and unbound. The real me, who I thought was lost, for months, came back to life instantly. I am so relieved.

Awesome, isn't it? Just a paper and pencil is all you need to preserve your uniqueness.

Also, some things have happened, which I absolutely cannot discuss here. For those who have been following, the lump on my neck is much smaller now and seems to be going. So, don't worry. :)

Don't I even sound different? :)

Almost forgot. Preparing for the trip to Bangalore tomorrow, from which I'll be back on Wednesday.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Lump on neck

I'm not well. Physically. But I'm hoping it will pass.

I feel mortal. And I don't like it.

Has this place finally got me? I was dead-scared of something like this happening. As postulated in the third chapter of my book, nothing good can come out of a hot place. I just wish all the extra measures I took to keep myself immune countered all the filth I had to deal with that was damaging to both my body and psyche. Anything can still happen that can wipe out everything I've painstakingly acquired during my stay here.

Imagine my horror when I discovered a pea-sized lump on my neck below my left ear.

I searched the net on what it could be: mononucleosis, inflamed lymph node or cancer. Only the last one was fatal and could be cured if caught in time. The others would go away on their own. But my belief still stands. I won't walk into a hospital here where I'm sure they will do me more harm than good, besides charging me for it. So, after intense searching on the net and reading up a lot of opinions, I've diagnosed it as an enlarged lymph node brought on by the mild tonsillitis that I have right now.

But if it weren't, what would I do? Go to Bangalore just for a check-up? Honestly, I don't have a definite answer to that. Thankfully the symptoms don't add up to the possibility of cancer.

But I'm still scared. And I will be till that thing vanishes.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Midnight Express

I am watching the movie Midnight Express. It's nearing the end. It's about an American who ends up in a Turkish prison. The things he says and goes through are so much like what I say and go through. Just before watching the movie I said that in this place people are animals, not people, and I will tell it to their faces before I leave. And what a coincidence, two hours after I said it, the protagonist in the movie calls all turks pigs in the court where his original sentence for 4 years or so was being lengthened to 30 years for no just reason. Right now he is in a mental prison with "criminally insane" people like himself. Back to watching...

Reading my previous posts its clear I am on the brink of insanity, and I suspect people see me as totaly insane. Maybe I am, can a mad person say the difference? I'm going to put some hope into my life.

Billy Hayes killed the prison warden during one of his torture sessions, quite by accident. Then he wore the warden's uniform and got out of prison, crossed the border into Greece and later went back to America. And its a true story. considering the parallels with my own life, it proves that truth is stranger than fiction. Also, a lot more common.

My 10 years in the country has been pure hell. It is just like a prison term. At least I know that for sure now.

Also how he found the customs in Turkey and their way of life absolutely disgusting. How no one in Turkey could be trusted, which was common knowledge. Exactly how I find Chennai.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

List of wrongs in Chennai

In Chennai I've been wronged. Here's the list.

1. My job took 1 month to get confirmed.
2.The hotel receptionist tried to make me sign a false bill with fake expenses.
3. The broker said I could install my a/c in the apartment - he showed me the space where I could fit it and plug it in. After moving in and drilling began, the owner started screaming. The a/c sits under the bed now.
4. Three laundry shops charge me for dry-cleaning but only wash my clothes. There's no laundry shop left where people won't cheat.
5. Auto rickshaws never switch on the meter. They haggle on the decided price once we reach the destination.
6. At work, some 20 recognitions and awards have been handed to a team of 23 (grown in size from 10 over the past year), but not one has come my way.
7. Every month, the salary components change. Not one of the payslips look like the one in the offer letter.
8. People are loud and noisy and don't speak English in office. They play loud Tamil music while I am working. The company I work for is RR Donnelley.

Being who you are - III

When I open my mouth and if all that comes out is filth and lies, what is the point of living? If I live as what others want me to be rather than myself or what I want to be. If before uttering every word, I check it for political correctness. If every word I say is meant to impress those around me. If I don't have the courage to be who I am. If what is seen is not the real me.


Why be a fake? For survival? Or more?


Let them. Let them stop taking you seriously. Let them ignore you. Let them hate.


Let them.


How does it feel when the whole world hates you? Great? Powerful? Or terrible?


They have a right to feel anything. But you still have the right to be yourself. Is it worth it if you give up your individuality so that you can feel good that others like you? Or is it worth it to be hated by the whole world but if you feel good about yourself?


Which is more important, you feeling good about yourself or others feeling good about you?


Whatever you do, you are the one who has to live with it for the rest of your life, not others. Therefore it is more sensible to be hated by the world if necessary and yet be yourself.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The void drives me on

Air in and out
Filling me, my lungs
Leaving me, a rush
Unquenchable, I am but

Am I alive - or dead
Who cares, I mean, really?
No one. No one does.
But friends - all die, they say, all die

But none have friends
None is fortunate enough
Genuine liking
Too difficult to come by

Fill the void with Love or God
Equally duplicitous
Equally disappointing
But some, nay, many, mind not

The void drives me on
Drives me on
Till I see nor hear no more
As it very now seems so

A dream, nay, many, shattered
Many before it and many after
But it could be true just yet
Dream, gold-encrusted

Is it not injustice that
I for so long was made to wait
Insult to my humanity
Corroding to my trust?

Human goodness
Thy ghost nowhere to be seen
Love and beauty -
Punish thy impersonators!

No one is greater

The tough 4 months of night shift is coming to a close. I won't be reaching home at 7:00 am in the morning anymore. Besides that, I'll feel like a normal human being and my blogging will sound more intelligible. I'll be more satisfied with who I am coz I will be able to be my best. But the cool beauty of night and the awesome feeling that you are sleeping when others are rambling, and viceversa, will be lost.

At present I was thinking about how power corrupts and about how very few people know how to use it. Even if a person is in not-so-high a place, he/she imagines so and acts accordingly. I also regained my feeling of being the greatest person that ever walked the face of the earth. My pride has been restored. People almost succeded in making me think I was the worst possible person. Yes, Chennai people try to do that. They try to make you feel inferior, when the real problem is that they feel inferior to anything and everything because of their absolute lack of a sense of self-worth.

This place, Chennai, is full of cheats and thieves. Everyone is a cheat or a thief. No one can be trusted. I tried my best to think otherwise, but it's one year since I came and hence time for a verdict. Nothing worked for me, people seemed hard to understand or trust, when I thought they were all good people. I was cheated repeatedly. At shops, on the street, at work. But when I started suspecting them, thinking that underneath they are just trying to cheat you and get the better of you in some way or other, their actions made perfect sense to me, I could predict what they were going to to do or say, and most importantly, they couldn't cheat me anymore. I finally have become uncheatable. I win. In the end. It was the most disgusting stay of my life anywhere, but I still won. Nobody, no place, no culture, no country is greater than me. No one!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy...

I’ve learned:

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


One of the most beautiful and inspiring stuff I've ever read. :)
Especially this: That love, not time, heals all wounds.



You were life

Give me back my heart
Why did you take it away?
You didn't even ask
But how did you...

I miss the goodness
Of you
I miss the love I felt
With you

How I miss you
The sense of safety
The sense of oneness
That needn't be said

Similar, you and I
Brittle and beautiful
Hurt and broken
You and I

Sparkle in your eye
Caring in your voice
Leave me captivated
Wanting more and more

What does your smile mean
You love me or no?
Love, true and everlasting
Or is it just a show?

Even if I knew
I'd never cease to wonder
What were you thinking, feeling...
What were you...

The best I ever had
Scared, the best I ever will
Grateful, by all means
For the little bit of life you gave

A long, lonely wait you ended
So long and so lonely
That water is not water anymore
To the parched throat, it is life

You ended my suffering
You lived up to your name
You were life
You were Spring

Sunday, February 10, 2008

bright red object in the sky

I saw a bright red object in the sky around 8:00 pm IST (Indian time) yesterday (9/feb/2008). It was in the west direction and dipped closer and closer to the horizon but was still well above the trees and buildings. I thought it might be a spacecraft reentering and burning up since I heard reports in the news recently. I don't see any news on the net about it so I'm confused. What did I see? Don't have a camera, so, damn.

It lasted for about 10 minutes from the time I spotted it (about 7:55 pm). And then when I could no longer see it because I was next to laundry shop, from my back (East) I saw another red object speeding overhead in the direction I spotted the first. I got out of the shop and walked back home and this time I saw only the initial red spot diminished in size but still very bright. and it finally disappeared. I wondered why no one noticed it.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Been through thick and thin

I have been through thick and thin, through highs and lows. I am left with the real me. I see how horrible the world is.

I am still waiting for that big break. The one I always thought I was destined to have. The only thing that gave me hope to live when there was none. No love or happiness, ever, in my life.

When I look back, I remember I always felt special. Never felt I was being treated unfairly. But now I increasingly feel so. I'm an outcast, it would seem.

The things that stand out when I look back: number one: my love, one-sided: Hana Nada.
Then, my home in Sharjah, the comfort and safety.
Then, a lot of emotional people.

And now, me, alone. Not understood, totally lost.

My message I thought was the reason for which I went through such sheer mental torture, alone, in life. It still seems so, though I haven't had any real direct success that I hoped for. Astrology signs tell me that by June I would reap the benefits. We'll have to just wait and see...

I will always love you, Nada and Chaitra.

I thought Chaitra, you would be by my side, helping me. But you didn't seem least impressed by my lonely efforts. Worse, you cut communications when I left a chat message saying I love you. I'm still reeling from that rejection. I can't understand it. My world changed when you did that. I changed. I felt the ground beneath my feet vanish. I need you so much. To give me that self-respect and reason to live 'cause I find none no more.

I love you, Chaitra.

And you too, Boss. I think of you too. And loved you too. But Chaitra was first. And now I should tell you too that I love you, maybe you would understand, unlike Chaitra. But I don't want to lose your friendship the way I did Chaitra's, 'cause it seems to be the best I can hope for.

You did more for me, Boss, and you were worthy of my love more. But Chaitra was more like me, or so I thought. I don't have your endless energy or your ability to look perfect to everyone. People see fault with me all the time. But still you stood up for me like no one else. My God, how many times you stood up for me, gallantly, proudly. I'm really confused now. You are the girl for me. But if you were, you would call me once in a while, right? Why haven't you...

I love you too, Boss.

I'm still not sure I should tell her that I love her. I'm really scared. And for good reason, I should think. Let me check her messages...

Yes, those are very formal, polite messages. No love lost there. So I'm not going to tell her.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Bus conductor abuse - Chennai

At 7 am after 8 hrs of night shift on a Sunday, I stand waiting for the bus on Mount Road, Chennai, India. I get in after 20 mins of waiting and say, "Gemini", the place where I ought to get down. Two people next to me said the same place name. I understand my voice is a bit low but I was sure the conductor heard what I said. He grunted, "Hm?" I repeated, "Gemini." Again he grunted. Again I repeated, this time a wave of anger making itself felt in my veins, a suspicion of ill-will bouncing harder in my mind. He made me repeat it three times.

He looked dirty and grimy, I was well dressed. He was probably at the beginning of his day, I was at the end. He was all pumped up with reserves of energy, I was drained. He was probably stress-free, I was sleep-deprived. He was earning not more than me, of that I could be sure. He was older than me, maybe 10 years or so, that was pretty obvious too. He was probably jealous, but I was clueless.

He deliberately made me repeat it thrice, a sadistic satisfaction from it he derived; the conductor exercising his authority or pacifying himself that he could treat people more prosperous than himself as he pleased and consequently dousing his own fires of jealousy... I was confused.

My stop came. A bunch of people got out. He blew the whistle before I could get out. And then looked at me after I hastened a risky exit from the speeding bus onto the road. I stared at him from the road, the extent of ill-will I faced from a stranger becoming utterly incomprehensible.

And it was all subtle. Cleverly done in a manner that could not put the perpetrator to justice. Cunning ways of projecting one's own insecurities onto others. In this city, Chennai, I have met many such people. People who delight in getting the better of people who are better off than they are.

Why? The usual question. Why?
Answer: People are what they are. Their choice. But when in authority one ought not to abuse it. I have made a post about this before. You have the right to be who you are. Like or dislike. Anyone or anything. But no one should have the power to hurt a person or alter someones life, because it would lead to abuse of power such as the one I just experienced.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

World war happens all the time

World war happens all the time. We hurt each other all the time. Sometimes fatally, sometimes not.

When will World War III happen? Is it a valid question? People die every day of so many causes. Mostly because they cannot avoid situations they must live through in order to survive.

Free man from the need to work for a living. Free man from having to do anything. World war is happening all the time and will continue to happen. It doesn't have to be officially declared by nations and people don't have to be killed with guns and bombs for it to be a world war.

Even if people are not killed, people are injured daily. No, not the construction worker. You. Yes, you. Doing whatever is unnatural to the body hurts your health. When you and everyone else have to work for a living, you force your body to act in a certain way, whether it is natural or not. World war happens all the time. And you are an injured soldier.

You disgusting egomaniac, listen!

Stupid, idiotic, disgusting, ego-centric, arrogant people of the world, listen! LISTEN TO ME!

You all think you know everything. The only reason why you are reading this is because you are on the half of the world that is enjoying the benefits of hard labor of the other half. You wouldn't even be connected to the Internet otherwise. You think it is your right to an opinion, but you don't even have an opinion of yours. Do you have an opinion that has never been voiced by someone else? Have you ever? That shows you never ever think for yourself. And the opinion that you are so proud of is only something copied from others. So how valid can it be? You mob-creature! You snivelling sack of shit!

Give in to the PFC law! It is an idea never thought of, and therefore is testament to the genius of the person that thought of it. Instead of giving it a try, you are so very eager to find the loopholes (all of which are imaginary since it hasn't been tried for real). Your ego will not let you accept that someone, especially from a third-world country, is greater than not just you but any human being that ever walked the face of the earth. Pure jealousy. Accept it.

Disgusting egomaniacs of the world, devote your lives to spreading the PFC law and bringing it into effect. It is the only rational life-choice.

All evil comes from having to work

No need to work. At all.

All evil comes from having to work.

Yes. It does. You are doing what's unnatural. It's harmful to you physically, psychologically, and in ways we haven't found yet. Sure, a plant hurt a little gets stronger as a result and probably will last longer. But a plant hurt all the time has its lifespan reduced. The same applies to humans. So, how to create a world where no one has to work? Technically, there is no need to work. All work can be done by machines.

We can sit back and relax our whole lives. Enjoy life doing the things we wish to do. Or just play around like kids. But if we have a place to call our own and enough money to provide us food for the rest of our lives, we should be just fine.

Instead, we multiply in numbers and consume more and more, trying to keep the existing systems stable. There is no need for the economy or businesses to grow. Let energy come from nature, harnessed by machines; let it be used by machines to make what we need from nature's raw materials. Everything is in place. Stop multiplying, consuming endlessly, producing unnecessary waste, and running around senselessly.

Relax. And enjoy the breaths of life.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Happy birthday

I'm happy that I have a blog in which I express most of my feelings and thoughts. Besides unburdening myself, I get to preserve my true self by expressing it once in a while, not letting it die from lack of use. On my birthday (astrological - today - exact sun spot), I feel a new surge of life, a determination to live life more fully, an insight into exactly what my life has been so far and why, and a renewal of the real me. All of which I will share here.

My life has been manipulated by parents to achieve their ends, in which they failed, and in the process made a complete wreck of me. I could be wrong. My recent correspondence with my classmates showed me what I was scared of when we were classmates, 12 years ago, that my potential is cruelly stifled by my parents. They have gone so much farther ahead in life, I think. Again, I could be wrong.

Those patterns are existent to this day and I find it hard to escape them. I'm not sure. I never used to think like this. I always was glad for the life I lived, which was for a great purpose, I thought. These are the kind of thoughts I used to have as a teenager. I wonder why they are coming back...

Whatever it is, I'm determined to be the real me, exploring and willing to do the undone...

Happy birthday to me...

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Real and counterfeit

I've been put through hell. But emotion is not what I want to convey. It is the truth. Because if you knew the truth you could have avoided it. But since you couldn't, it means you didn't know the truth.

True happiness and perceived happiness are not to be confused. True greatness and perceived greatness are not to be confused. True friendship and faked friendship are not to be confused. But how to know the difference?

How do you know the difference between, say, a counterfeit note and a genuine one? It's like this: the genuine note will have all the characteristics of a currency note while a counterfeit one may have most of the characteristics, but not all of them.

What are the characteristics of genuine happiness? a smile, comfortable life, financial stability, loving relationships, true friends, interest in living life

What are the characteristics of fake happiness? a smile.

What are the characteristics of genuine friendship? a smile, expression of interest, common interests, sacrifices

What are the characteristics of fake friendship? a smile.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New year illusion

New year, huh? Heck, what do I care? I'm still in the selfsame rut I used to be in the last new year.

Oh, I do think I am better off now. I do. But I know I'm only fooling myself, just like everyone else. Life is always the same. Dammit!

What is life ? Trying to analyze it takes the life out of life itself, doesn't it? So I'd rather not ask, "What is life?"

Life is a bunch of illusions. There, I said it, and I haven't lost my head. Ha ha. Heck to you, Life.

Let's leave it at that before we both lose our heads. Realize it. And not take life too seriously. 'Cause after all, it's just a bunch of silly illusions.