Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The void drives me on

Air in and out
Filling me, my lungs
Leaving me, a rush
Unquenchable, I am but

Am I alive - or dead
Who cares, I mean, really?
No one. No one does.
But friends - all die, they say, all die

But none have friends
None is fortunate enough
Genuine liking
Too difficult to come by

Fill the void with Love or God
Equally duplicitous
Equally disappointing
But some, nay, many, mind not

The void drives me on
Drives me on
Till I see nor hear no more
As it very now seems so

A dream, nay, many, shattered
Many before it and many after
But it could be true just yet
Dream, gold-encrusted

Is it not injustice that
I for so long was made to wait
Insult to my humanity
Corroding to my trust?

Human goodness
Thy ghost nowhere to be seen
Love and beauty -
Punish thy impersonators!

No one is greater

The tough 4 months of night shift is coming to a close. I won't be reaching home at 7:00 am in the morning anymore. Besides that, I'll feel like a normal human being and my blogging will sound more intelligible. I'll be more satisfied with who I am coz I will be able to be my best. But the cool beauty of night and the awesome feeling that you are sleeping when others are rambling, and viceversa, will be lost.

At present I was thinking about how power corrupts and about how very few people know how to use it. Even if a person is in not-so-high a place, he/she imagines so and acts accordingly. I also regained my feeling of being the greatest person that ever walked the face of the earth. My pride has been restored. People almost succeded in making me think I was the worst possible person. Yes, Chennai people try to do that. They try to make you feel inferior, when the real problem is that they feel inferior to anything and everything because of their absolute lack of a sense of self-worth.

This place, Chennai, is full of cheats and thieves. Everyone is a cheat or a thief. No one can be trusted. I tried my best to think otherwise, but it's one year since I came and hence time for a verdict. Nothing worked for me, people seemed hard to understand or trust, when I thought they were all good people. I was cheated repeatedly. At shops, on the street, at work. But when I started suspecting them, thinking that underneath they are just trying to cheat you and get the better of you in some way or other, their actions made perfect sense to me, I could predict what they were going to to do or say, and most importantly, they couldn't cheat me anymore. I finally have become uncheatable. I win. In the end. It was the most disgusting stay of my life anywhere, but I still won. Nobody, no place, no culture, no country is greater than me. No one!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy...

I’ve learned:

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

One of the most beautiful and inspiring stuff I've ever read. :)
Especially this: That love, not time, heals all wounds.

You were life

Give me back my heart
Why did you take it away?
You didn't even ask
But how did you...

I miss the goodness
Of you
I miss the love I felt
With you

How I miss you
The sense of safety
The sense of oneness
That needn't be said

Similar, you and I
Brittle and beautiful
Hurt and broken
You and I

Sparkle in your eye
Caring in your voice
Leave me captivated
Wanting more and more

What does your smile mean
You love me or no?
Love, true and everlasting
Or is it just a show?

Even if I knew
I'd never cease to wonder
What were you thinking, feeling...
What were you...

The best I ever had
Scared, the best I ever will
Grateful, by all means
For the little bit of life you gave

A long, lonely wait you ended
So long and so lonely
That water is not water anymore
To the parched throat, it is life

You ended my suffering
You lived up to your name
You were life
You were Spring

Sunday, February 10, 2008

bright red object in the sky

I saw a bright red object in the sky around 8:00 pm IST (Indian time) yesterday (9/feb/2008). It was in the west direction and dipped closer and closer to the horizon but was still well above the trees and buildings. I thought it might be a spacecraft reentering and burning up since I heard reports in the news recently. I don't see any news on the net about it so I'm confused. What did I see? Don't have a camera, so, damn.

It lasted for about 10 minutes from the time I spotted it (about 7:55 pm). And then when I could no longer see it because I was next to laundry shop, from my back (East) I saw another red object speeding overhead in the direction I spotted the first. I got out of the shop and walked back home and this time I saw only the initial red spot diminished in size but still very bright. and it finally disappeared. I wondered why no one noticed it.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Been through thick and thin

I have been through thick and thin, through highs and lows. I am left with the real me. I see how horrible the world is.

I am still waiting for that big break. The one I always thought I was destined to have. The only thing that gave me hope to live when there was none. No love or happiness, ever, in my life.

When I look back, I remember I always felt special. Never felt I was being treated unfairly. But now I increasingly feel so. I'm an outcast, it would seem.

The things that stand out when I look back: number one: my love, one-sided: Hana Nada.
Then, my home in Sharjah, the comfort and safety.
Then, a lot of emotional people.

And now, me, alone. Not understood, totally lost.

My message I thought was the reason for which I went through such sheer mental torture, alone, in life. It still seems so, though I haven't had any real direct success that I hoped for. Astrology signs tell me that by June I would reap the benefits. We'll have to just wait and see...

I will always love you, Nada and Chaitra.

I thought Chaitra, you would be by my side, helping me. But you didn't seem least impressed by my lonely efforts. Worse, you cut communications when I left a chat message saying I love you. I'm still reeling from that rejection. I can't understand it. My world changed when you did that. I changed. I felt the ground beneath my feet vanish. I need you so much. To give me that self-respect and reason to live 'cause I find none no more.

I love you, Chaitra.

And you too, Boss. I think of you too. And loved you too. But Chaitra was first. And now I should tell you too that I love you, maybe you would understand, unlike Chaitra. But I don't want to lose your friendship the way I did Chaitra's, 'cause it seems to be the best I can hope for.

You did more for me, Boss, and you were worthy of my love more. But Chaitra was more like me, or so I thought. I don't have your endless energy or your ability to look perfect to everyone. People see fault with me all the time. But still you stood up for me like no one else. My God, how many times you stood up for me, gallantly, proudly. I'm really confused now. You are the girl for me. But if you were, you would call me once in a while, right? Why haven't you...

I love you too, Boss.

I'm still not sure I should tell her that I love her. I'm really scared. And for good reason, I should think. Let me check her messages...

Yes, those are very formal, polite messages. No love lost there. So I'm not going to tell her.