Tuesday, August 28, 2007


I was in a trance
Frightened by the glance
Never happened
Never will

Light steps
Lighter and lighter
Walking on clouds
Walking on water

Ignore, ignore
But how could she
She could, she could
But why me

Her world
Ever mysterious
Never known
Never will be

Closer to her
Closer to me

Walking or was it talking
She spoke to me, I know
Language of love
Without speaking

A fragment
Light and fluttering
In the wind
Of hopes and wishes

Coolness it was
Of being, a lightness
Whiff of life
Glad and grateful

Royal and pure
White and light
Her presence, persona
Beauty, or better?

Turn of head
Or royal nod?
Moves mountains
Moves my heart

A word
Please, please
I beg, I plead
A word for me

I wish I hear
The word that is thine
And thine only

I did, I did
Yes I did
To hear that word of thine

They came
They came a-plenty
Now and then
A flood not meant for me

At least I know true love
Giving, not receiving
Language of love
Language of hoping

Chaitra means spring

Blows hot, blows cold
Not sweet, not sour
Who can keep a hold?
She changes by the hour

Defiantly amazing
The beauty of the wildflower
Not winter. Not summer.
Chaitra means spring.

Saturday, August 25, 2007


I realized something else. Girls make me weak. I usually know who I am and where I am going in life. But when a girl comes into my life and starts acting wishy-washy, that throws me off-balance. I become fearful, anxious, vulnerable. Lose all focus. I'm a pretty self-centred person who knows how to outwit everyone else, but a girl's presence makes me want to lower my guard so as to understand her and care for her instead. That's how it's with me, anyways.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Letting it out....

I've been alone all my damn life. What do you think I'm scared of?

A girl named Nada just visited my profile on orkut and my heart is all flutters. On her profile it says she's been in Riyadh and now in Karachi but doesn't mention UAE. Her profile is written pretty innocently and that points to the Nada I knew.

There's a person I know who will never know what I've been through or what I've done because she is so full of herself. Will never be able to appreciate me for who I am. True. So was the girl who I loved for the past two years, getting nothing in return. But here's the amazing cinch: When I was 15, a fellow student who claimed to know palmistry predicted that my first girlfriend would be a girl whose name starts with the letter "H" and has a total of 5 letters. And she is the first girl who fits. That student's name was Waheeda Rahman, a Sri Lankan.

What a magical life I lead!

And to think I was feeling in the dumps a while ago. Yes, that's because I'm in a not-so-magical place, maybe. I am here in a place that does not agree at all with me because of a decision I took that was upright and self-sacrificing, and above all, the right thing to do. I left a comfortable job, which was basically watching movies and editing English subtitles to them, people who were as modern as they could get in a country like India, pretty girls for company, and the like because I had to give the message to the world, in which I failed. The world does not know the perfect world message. But the steps taken, hopefully, have taken me closer to that goal.

And now I am in a place with none of those things, which is tolerable, but rudeness and lack of civility - no. That is too much. But I am patient. As always. And dreaming of good things to come. Of good things that once were, but now aren't.

Monday, August 20, 2007


Growing up is realizing that you are not the center of the world.

Nice in the beginning ro be rude later on.

When you need other people to tell you who you are, you are beyond all help.

Love is when you need another person to tell you who you are.

People run from one thing to another, not having even one moment of true happiness because they think it doesn't exist. But it does.

Let people look down on you; you don't have to look down on yourself.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Life goes on

What a much better place my living room has become since I opened the small window beside the door a bit. No need for the noisy fan. Feels so cool. My thwarted attempts to make my whole home air-conditioned don’t hurt so much now. I’m sitting in the living room. I had a thought because the TV actually makes me want to comment on what I see, but there are no kindred spirits who would listen. Why are here no kindred spirits? That’s another big issue I’m really confused about. Is it me or is it others? It could be me, mind me.

I’m watching Robbie Williams’ video on ftv. Surrounded by good-looking girls and dressed as a guru. It goes something like, Sin, sin, sin. Look where have you been and where are you tonight. It starts with a guru channel female presentator. And he looks like a priest, Robbie Williams. But I noticed that only beautiful girls were being healed by the guru. I read somewhere Robbie Williams is a Leo Ascendant like me. What the song means still hasn’t gotten to me and it’s over now. The next one is Hold on to people, they’re slipping away. I think it’s by Moby. Sad sounding and very meaningful to me. Everything changes. Nothing is permanent. Now it’s the ftv only on fashion tv interlude. Now it's Nelly Furtado. She was awesome in I’m Like A Bird. Reminded me of Hana Nada (prev. post). But now not so good. Skimpier outfits, catchier songs, slicker face, boring girl. Can’t even make out the lyrics. Time to change the channel.

Oh it’s Mr. Bean dancing around like an idiot. You know, I and Mr. Bean have a lot in common. He is actually Rowan Atkinson and his birthday is only a few days after mine. He just jumped in front of a car to get his shoe. Now he is combing his hair looking at the reflection on a glass in a store. He can’t see the back of his head so he went into a photo booth and took the back pictures. Now he is following the picture processing in the booth with his ear till it pops out. Now it’s a goddamn ad.

I feel so angry when I think about the people at work who smile at me thinking I’m stupid. My friend Shinaj told me once that is how people see me. He said, “He is worthless. We can treat him as we like.” That’s how people see me. But since he is quite right most of the time, I gave it some thought. It’s true. In some ways.

I remember the chicken fry pieces I used to have at his place that we bought from outside for very cheap and it was very tasty too. I’m still trying to think of a way to cook chicken sausages on the microwave. The first time it got stuck to the paper cover, the second time it got hard as rock and the third time I ate it no matter how it tasted. And the Microsoft Office I have is not able to install updates coz I deleted a file while fixing the laptop. But the damn laptop still keeps downloading something God only knows what, its cutting into my allotted download limit of 1.5 GB and in future hopefully if the internet service provider responds, 1 GB. When I have to pay Rs. 2 for every extra MB, it’s not very funny.

When I see cartoons, I think, how wonderful if the world was so clear cut and colorful as the cartoons. So pretty and perfect. The people, the roads, the cars. That’s why I watch cartoons. I’m seeing Bob the Builder now. Repulsed me once upon a time. But now nothing better in this godforsaken place I guess. Other than pretty, pretty girls on ftv.

Oh, by the way, I hate Harrison Ford. Makes me want to vomit. He’s on this channel Sony pix. I think it’s 'cause he’s so old-fashioned. Also the stupid downloading stopped once I closed all active windows. Could be the site legitimately updating status or a virus that attached itself to the browser. Am no computer guy but educated guesses are possible.

My life

Really? I’m tired of writing. What’s the point? People may or may not read. If they read, they see the things they want to see, not what I try to communicate. The one point, it makes me happy. Makes me feel useful. Like I’m accomplishing something. Maybe it’s got to do with the North Node thing I read a while ago. My north node is in Leo and the 12th house. I read you feel more satisfied when you are headed in the direction of the north node. And Leo is about creativity. So that explains it. Has it, Mr. Reader? If you exist, that is.

And besides, I work with words, so I associate it with work, at least subconsciously. And work – is no fun. All the gibberish people say about enjoying work, you ought to take up a calling of yours, find the career to which you are suited – I don’t believe in all that mumbo-jumbo.

There is no real basis to life. Everything is illusion. Kant said everything comes through our senses so the actual world is not what we perceive it to be. In the Critique of Pure Reason. That’s his main philosophy, anyway. No, I wasn’t aiming for that exactly. I meant that nothing is what it seems to be. Once you get past the illusion to the core of the matter, you see that nothing is the same forever, people, things. Everyone changes. Everything changes. In such a state of world is it really wise, actually isn’t it downright foolhardy, to set your heart upon something, or someone for that matter?

Questions unanswered. Does any question have an answer? Every questions answer is challenged in time. Mathematics seems to be the exception. 1+1=2 But can we say? In time, even that could be proved wrong. After all we can only perceive up to 4 dimensions. Three of space and one of time. In scenarios of multiple dimensions, 1+1 could be three or four. Ha ha.

Who cares anyways/. There are mathematicians who break their heads over string theory and stuff, like the Hawking guy. He has success so I’ll give him that. But what about the others? Even people who think for a living don’t have it easy.

I’m inspired because I saw Wind in The Willows on TV just now and I thought, how about a novel like that. So childish, with badgers and rabbits acting like people. And so hilarious too. Not to mention Toad or Mr. Toad. Frankly I haven’t been the outdoorsy kind coz I wasn’t allowed to. Where I was brought up it was in the middle of the desert, Sharjah, UAE, so I frankly don’t know for sure what a badger is. Handicap for a writer, I think. But helpful too, ‘cause of the ability to imagine things that don’t exist, the ability to think that the world is a wonderful place. ‘Cause I don’t really know.

But I was in a multicultural society. Don’t want to go into it. Suffice it to know that Iranian girls were with me at school. And I was in love with a Pakistani girl for 10 years. I wonder what my parents will think about this comment. Shameless son. But I’d better not think. Culture s such a holding-back factor in this place, India. I feel no connection to it. To the beggars and poverty, of which I didn’t see a bit in my childhood. I don’t feel any connection to this country. Or the people who I feel are fake, fake, fake. And I don’t blame them. I blame the heat. And the culture brought about by the heat.

Oh I have to do a spell-check on this. It’s part of my job at work, so I don’t really want to do it. I wish I could just write and have enough money and people at my beckoning to clean up the document for me, in the way I please. Instead I do that work at office. Ha.

I see clearly that my life is no glorious affair, which is what most people believe about their own lives, so that the thought keeps them happy. I see the truth. So clearly.

But people would disagree. And I would say it’s their jealousy that makes them disagree.

I don’t care about hyphens and stuff here 'cause I can afford not to. It’s my blog and I choose how it should be. Reminds me. At work too, the rules are what the boss lays down, whether they are right or wrong. I’m free to be who I am here. Stupid or intelligent, I don’t care. Jumpy or steady, I don’t care.

I have this song going on in my head now, Society, you’re a woman. At least that’s what I heard. What is it anyways with the songs, they deliberately distort them, don’t they?
Anyways, what does it mean, society is a woman? Beats me so far. But let me think. ‘Spineless’ comes to my mind.

Now I know no one reads my blog. But what if people do start reading? Especially at office? Would I honestly speak my thoughts the way I do now? I wish I could. I wish even if I could, that I’d be not held back by fear. I wish I wouldn’t start bothering about hyphens and commas. That’s why I said work ought to be abolished. Every one should have the freedom to be who they are. No one has that. I can only laugh at the people who say they have freedom. No one has true freedom, except people who have a secure life without having to work. For a hundred years.

I don’t worry about being misunderstood because people who feel a pulse the same as mine will understand it. And so will people who truly wish to understand. As for the rest of the world, I’m not going out of my way for them. People see what they want to see, anyways.

All I’m going to do is a spell-check.

Hit F7!

Friday, August 17, 2007


How much bullshit tries to pass off as truth is just baffling when you look at it. The people who actually bullshit are often seen as the bearers of truth while the people who actually care about the truth and are willing to stand up for it are, first of all, boring - no bells and whistles that the bullshitter has. Secondly, not likable or lovable, since their priority is speaking the truth, not speaking what pleases the people. And thirdly, smugness that comes from the conviction of being right.

So, there it is. The people who set out to please the people are the ones who succeed, though they are the ones who have taken liberties with the truth. The people who set out to speak the exact truth are the ones who are misunderstood and unsuccessful since absolute devotion to truth means not altering it at any time, in any way, to please people.

An intelligent discussion here prompted me to write this: http://philosophersplayground.blogspot.com/2007/08/karl-rove-portrait-of-bullshit-artist.html

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Hana Nada

There was a girl named Hana Nada
With whom I was in love
There was a day when I was in heaven
The day I saw her

Love was it or was it pain
Killing me and saving me again
Life's always a monotony
The beauty who erased the pain

Longing for her ever so much
Pangs of hunger, hunger for love
In which I dwell, I dwell content
Asking for nothing but the right to love

And there she gilded before my eyes
My senses heightened, what a surprise
Could this be real, yes it was
Pinch me I said, but I knew it was

Oh the quiet, oh the silence
Magnifies and envelopes me
In the beauty of your presence
What more could one want

So I thought, so I dreamt
With what was before me
The missing pieces I could conjure
Never to be, never to stop haunting me

My soul was bought, my life empty
My longings longer, to no end torturing me
But those days, yes they were worth it
Memories and feelings, no, much more

Drunk and numb from love
I feel nothing no more
She made a heaven for me
In which I dwelled for free

That heaven is in my mind for years
If she were here, for real it would be
But that being too much to ask for
The old heaven I'm grateful for

No difference did it make, her rejection
Except a deeper gash of wounded love
A wound more than merely mortal
My longing for her increase

You were the one I knew it then
Magic and sorcery tell me I was right
These I've turned to for consolation
And they tell me they have none

For you are the one, you are the one
Every law of nature and underworld tells me so
My heart told me then
But now I hear it from them too

Oh why were you a passing mirage
So short a span, yet the hold unyielding
What was your purpose I wonder
Make me or break me asunder

I wouldn't mind if the answers I didn't find
But this is true, as true as true can be
How I feel for you, how much I do
One day, I wish...I wish for you

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Value of the human being

The value of a human being ought to be upheld by law above everything else. Because this is a world where your ability to contribute determines your quality of life. At childhood one is given what one needs to be able to contribute. The lesser one gets at childhood, the lesser he/she is able to contribute. Therefore birth into poverty must be prevented by law.

When a child is born into poverty, it affects the rest of us too. That we allowed such a thing to happen is indicative of the dip in the well-being of our society. We start forming groups to avoid contact with those born into less prosperous circumstances. So that our collective human value remains high. It is only because we are not considering the rest of the masses of human beings.If we did consider them, our human value would go down considerably. The only way to truly raise human value, then, is to prevent birth into poverty.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I realize

I realize. I'm all about substance. I don't really care about style. So what if a hyphen is missing. Or a comma. It's the matter that's important. And any nutcase or monkey will find easily the meaning that is supposed to be conveyed. That's why I suck. At my job as a copyeditor. I've never bothered about style ever. It's the core I always want to get to. No matter what I do. I end up with a job that is so against who I am. Phew! How did this happen? How do these things happen? Is there any job that would be suited for me? Or are all jobs on earth superficial and unfulfilling? Is the earth just a screwed-up place where everyone does exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to be doing? Can anyone give me an answer?