My life

Really? I’m tired of writing. What’s the point? People may or may not read. If they read, they see the things they want to see, not what I try to communicate. The one point, it makes me happy. Makes me feel useful. Like I’m accomplishing something. Maybe it’s got to do with the North Node thing I read a while ago. My north node is in Leo and the 12th house. I read you feel more satisfied when you are headed in the direction of the north node. And Leo is about creativity. So that explains it. Has it, Mr. Reader? If you exist, that is.

And besides, I work with words, so I associate it with work, at least subconsciously. And work – is no fun. All the gibberish people say about enjoying work, you ought to take up a calling of yours, find the career to which you are suited – I don’t believe in all that mumbo-jumbo.

There is no real basis to life. Everything is illusion. Kant said everything comes through our senses so the actual world is not what we perceive it to be. In the Critique of Pure Reason. That’s his main philosophy, anyway. No, I wasn’t aiming for that exactly. I meant that nothing is what it seems to be. Once you get past the illusion to the core of the matter, you see that nothing is the same forever, people, things. Everyone changes. Everything changes. In such a state of world is it really wise, actually isn’t it downright foolhardy, to set your heart upon something, or someone for that matter?

Questions unanswered. Does any question have an answer? Every questions answer is challenged in time. Mathematics seems to be the exception. 1+1=2 But can we say? In time, even that could be proved wrong. After all we can only perceive up to 4 dimensions. Three of space and one of time. In scenarios of multiple dimensions, 1+1 could be three or four. Ha ha.

Who cares anyways/. There are mathematicians who break their heads over string theory and stuff, like the Hawking guy. He has success so I’ll give him that. But what about the others? Even people who think for a living don’t have it easy.

I’m inspired because I saw Wind in The Willows on TV just now and I thought, how about a novel like that. So childish, with badgers and rabbits acting like people. And so hilarious too. Not to mention Toad or Mr. Toad. Frankly I haven’t been the outdoorsy kind coz I wasn’t allowed to. Where I was brought up it was in the middle of the desert, Sharjah, UAE, so I frankly don’t know for sure what a badger is. Handicap for a writer, I think. But helpful too, ‘cause of the ability to imagine things that don’t exist, the ability to think that the world is a wonderful place. ‘Cause I don’t really know.

But I was in a multicultural society. Don’t want to go into it. Suffice it to know that Iranian girls were with me at school. And I was in love with a Pakistani girl for 10 years. I wonder what my parents will think about this comment. Shameless son. But I’d better not think. Culture s such a holding-back factor in this place, India. I feel no connection to it. To the beggars and poverty, of which I didn’t see a bit in my childhood. I don’t feel any connection to this country. Or the people who I feel are fake, fake, fake. And I don’t blame them. I blame the heat. And the culture brought about by the heat.

Oh I have to do a spell-check on this. It’s part of my job at work, so I don’t really want to do it. I wish I could just write and have enough money and people at my beckoning to clean up the document for me, in the way I please. Instead I do that work at office. Ha.

I see clearly that my life is no glorious affair, which is what most people believe about their own lives, so that the thought keeps them happy. I see the truth. So clearly.

But people would disagree. And I would say it’s their jealousy that makes them disagree.

I don’t care about hyphens and stuff here 'cause I can afford not to. It’s my blog and I choose how it should be. Reminds me. At work too, the rules are what the boss lays down, whether they are right or wrong. I’m free to be who I am here. Stupid or intelligent, I don’t care. Jumpy or steady, I don’t care.

I have this song going on in my head now, Society, you’re a woman. At least that’s what I heard. What is it anyways with the songs, they deliberately distort them, don’t they?
Anyways, what does it mean, society is a woman? Beats me so far. But let me think. ‘Spineless’ comes to my mind.

Now I know no one reads my blog. But what if people do start reading? Especially at office? Would I honestly speak my thoughts the way I do now? I wish I could. I wish even if I could, that I’d be not held back by fear. I wish I wouldn’t start bothering about hyphens and commas. That’s why I said work ought to be abolished. Every one should have the freedom to be who they are. No one has that. I can only laugh at the people who say they have freedom. No one has true freedom, except people who have a secure life without having to work. For a hundred years.

I don’t worry about being misunderstood because people who feel a pulse the same as mine will understand it. And so will people who truly wish to understand. As for the rest of the world, I’m not going out of my way for them. People see what they want to see, anyways.

All I’m going to do is a spell-check.

Hit F7!