I'm happy that I have a blog in which I express most of my feelings and thoughts. Besides unburdening myself, I get to preserve my true self by expressing it once in a while, not letting it die from lack of use. On my birthday (astrological - today - exact sun spot), I feel a new surge of life, a determination to live life more fully, an insight into exactly what my life has been so far and why, and a renewal of the real me. All of which I will share here.
My life has been manipulated by parents to achieve their ends, in which they failed, and in the process made a complete wreck of me. I could be wrong. My recent correspondence with my classmates showed me what I was scared of when we were classmates, 12 years ago, that my potential is cruelly stifled by my parents. They have gone so much farther ahead in life, I think. Again, I could be wrong.
Those patterns are existent to this day and I find it hard to escape them. I'm not sure. I never used to think like this. I always was glad for the life I lived, which was for a great purpose, I thought. These are the kind of thoughts I used to have as a teenager. I wonder why they are coming back...
Whatever it is, I'm determined to be the real me, exploring and willing to do the undone...
Happy birthday to me...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Real and counterfeit
I've been put through hell. But emotion is not what I want to convey. It is the truth. Because if you knew the truth you could have avoided it. But since you couldn't, it means you didn't know the truth.
True happiness and perceived happiness are not to be confused. True greatness and perceived greatness are not to be confused. True friendship and faked friendship are not to be confused. But how to know the difference?
How do you know the difference between, say, a counterfeit note and a genuine one? It's like this: the genuine note will have all the characteristics of a currency note while a counterfeit one may have most of the characteristics, but not all of them.
What are the characteristics of genuine happiness? a smile, comfortable life, financial stability, loving relationships, true friends, interest in living life
What are the characteristics of fake happiness? a smile.
What are the characteristics of genuine friendship? a smile, expression of interest, common interests, sacrifices
What are the characteristics of fake friendship? a smile.
True happiness and perceived happiness are not to be confused. True greatness and perceived greatness are not to be confused. True friendship and faked friendship are not to be confused. But how to know the difference?
How do you know the difference between, say, a counterfeit note and a genuine one? It's like this: the genuine note will have all the characteristics of a currency note while a counterfeit one may have most of the characteristics, but not all of them.
What are the characteristics of genuine happiness? a smile, comfortable life, financial stability, loving relationships, true friends, interest in living life
What are the characteristics of fake happiness? a smile.
What are the characteristics of genuine friendship? a smile, expression of interest, common interests, sacrifices
What are the characteristics of fake friendship? a smile.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New year illusion
New year, huh? Heck, what do I care? I'm still in the selfsame rut I used to be in the last new year.
Oh, I do think I am better off now. I do. But I know I'm only fooling myself, just like everyone else. Life is always the same. Dammit!
What is life ? Trying to analyze it takes the life out of life itself, doesn't it? So I'd rather not ask, "What is life?"
Life is a bunch of illusions. There, I said it, and I haven't lost my head. Ha ha. Heck to you, Life.
Let's leave it at that before we both lose our heads. Realize it. And not take life too seriously. 'Cause after all, it's just a bunch of silly illusions.
Oh, I do think I am better off now. I do. But I know I'm only fooling myself, just like everyone else. Life is always the same. Dammit!
What is life ? Trying to analyze it takes the life out of life itself, doesn't it? So I'd rather not ask, "What is life?"
Life is a bunch of illusions. There, I said it, and I haven't lost my head. Ha ha. Heck to you, Life.
Let's leave it at that before we both lose our heads. Realize it. And not take life too seriously. 'Cause after all, it's just a bunch of silly illusions.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Confusing
I am who I am. I don't believe in change. People all around me are willing to twist and shape themselves into so many different moulds. To hell with them.
I am confused. I am unsure about life and love. One moment I am dead certain of one thing. The next moment I am dead certain of the exact opposite. I remain unsure. Especially about life and love.
People who have hurt me by their actions and continue to do so are to be avoided, never forgiven. To forgive means to later run the risk of forgetting. And to forget means to expose oneself to the same danger again, which is foolish.
People who have given me a reason to live are to be remembered, cherished, and held on to. But are there really any such people...?
The past and the future are one in the present. Life is always the same beneath the apparent changes on the surface of it. Difficult, easy; enjoyable, detestable...
Confusing.
I am confused. I am unsure about life and love. One moment I am dead certain of one thing. The next moment I am dead certain of the exact opposite. I remain unsure. Especially about life and love.
People who have hurt me by their actions and continue to do so are to be avoided, never forgiven. To forgive means to later run the risk of forgetting. And to forget means to expose oneself to the same danger again, which is foolish.
People who have given me a reason to live are to be remembered, cherished, and held on to. But are there really any such people...?
The past and the future are one in the present. Life is always the same beneath the apparent changes on the surface of it. Difficult, easy; enjoyable, detestable...
Confusing.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Astrology for me
I would like to spill my guts here when everything is going wrong for me. As it is now. Maybe I should start an anonymous blog? No, I want to say it like it is, without fear. But still, the real issues facing us are often the most hidden. Which is why I would like to vent it out to someone. Or somewhere.
Maybe confessions had a point after all. Note: Stopped going to church years ago.
In the piscean age people hide the truth. In the aquarian age they openly express it. Or so I think. People are most certain about the things they have the least proof of, like astrology and religion. Still, astrology is the mother of all sciences and therefore a science to me. Besides, I use astrology every second. I don't mean the auspicious timing of events stuff. I see exactly how and why the world around me works the way it does. Using common sense. The truth is always the plainest thing to see. What astrology helps me with is, really, nothing so far, as far as I can see. Maybe revealed my strengths or made me believe in strengths I didn't actually possess...
Astrology proves itself. I see how different people are and how people who have birthdays close by resemble. I can expect a certain behaviour (underlying) to emerge and make itself evident over time for people with birthdays in each of the 36 10-day periods in a year. For e.g., I know what to expect from a person born between Jan 1 - Jan 10. Or for any other 10-day period. The magic of astrology reveals itself everyday. For some sun signs I can further divide the 10-day periods, depending on the number of people I have met who have birthdays there. I get better at astrology and how our world ultimately runs as a constant interaction between various astrological decan natives...
I realize that people are so varied you cannot really fathom them. It's a never-ending learning process. But sometimes I also feel people are all the same, heartless, spineless... Superficial. Not knowing the truth is excruciating pain for me. Seethe... Seethe... Seethe...
Maybe confessions had a point after all. Note: Stopped going to church years ago.
In the piscean age people hide the truth. In the aquarian age they openly express it. Or so I think. People are most certain about the things they have the least proof of, like astrology and religion. Still, astrology is the mother of all sciences and therefore a science to me. Besides, I use astrology every second. I don't mean the auspicious timing of events stuff. I see exactly how and why the world around me works the way it does. Using common sense. The truth is always the plainest thing to see. What astrology helps me with is, really, nothing so far, as far as I can see. Maybe revealed my strengths or made me believe in strengths I didn't actually possess...
Astrology proves itself. I see how different people are and how people who have birthdays close by resemble. I can expect a certain behaviour (underlying) to emerge and make itself evident over time for people with birthdays in each of the 36 10-day periods in a year. For e.g., I know what to expect from a person born between Jan 1 - Jan 10. Or for any other 10-day period. The magic of astrology reveals itself everyday. For some sun signs I can further divide the 10-day periods, depending on the number of people I have met who have birthdays there. I get better at astrology and how our world ultimately runs as a constant interaction between various astrological decan natives...
I realize that people are so varied you cannot really fathom them. It's a never-ending learning process. But sometimes I also feel people are all the same, heartless, spineless... Superficial. Not knowing the truth is excruciating pain for me. Seethe... Seethe... Seethe...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Me, manyheaded, mad
Greased and grainy, my soul
What I feel, I do not know
Pangs and longing
See in you, my belonging
Words and silence
Interwoven so one more than the other
What it means I thought I knew
No more so methinks
Rumbling ball of black guilt
Thundering down my past or future
Crush me, I say; end this pain
Come for me; consume, devour
Slice my heart, my throat
Speech sharp as razor
Native issue from native heart
Good too much evil become
Thoughts a fleeting
Many I comprehend, many a wasting
Equally sound, in own right and might
Me, manyheaded, mad
What I feel, I do not know
Pangs and longing
See in you, my belonging
Words and silence
Interwoven so one more than the other
What it means I thought I knew
No more so methinks
Rumbling ball of black guilt
Thundering down my past or future
Crush me, I say; end this pain
Come for me; consume, devour
Slice my heart, my throat
Speech sharp as razor
Native issue from native heart
Good too much evil become
Thoughts a fleeting
Many I comprehend, many a wasting
Equally sound, in own right and might
Me, manyheaded, mad
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Ego
I am going to rant.
There was your warning. I know that people are bad not because they choose to be but because of the way they have been forced to live by society. The very way of life that stops them from seeing society for what it is, what a much better life they were entitled to in the first place.
Today I encountered asinine hostility. From a learned and knowledgeable person who would otherwise be the epitome of civility. When he/she saw that I was great, that my theory was the greatest thing that ever existed, that the only just way of treating me would be utter, complete submission, he/she chose to do the opposite. Insult me to the core, act worse than an animal, be utterly uncivilised. So even if you are 100% right, people will not accept you if they can choose not to; it is only force and fear that ever works. Their ego will not let them gave away credit to another person, unless that very ego tells them to submit in the interest of self-preservation.
There was your warning. I know that people are bad not because they choose to be but because of the way they have been forced to live by society. The very way of life that stops them from seeing society for what it is, what a much better life they were entitled to in the first place.
Today I encountered asinine hostility. From a learned and knowledgeable person who would otherwise be the epitome of civility. When he/she saw that I was great, that my theory was the greatest thing that ever existed, that the only just way of treating me would be utter, complete submission, he/she chose to do the opposite. Insult me to the core, act worse than an animal, be utterly uncivilised. So even if you are 100% right, people will not accept you if they can choose not to; it is only force and fear that ever works. Their ego will not let them gave away credit to another person, unless that very ego tells them to submit in the interest of self-preservation.
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