Disgusting world

The heat is unbearable.

Have to stick to the plan, though. I seem to have holes in my pocket when it comes to money. But still... Have to stick to the plan.

Is love ever true? I can fall in love with anyone. And be rejected by almost anyone. What is it with the world that everyone but me seems to be happy? Is it a show or is it true? Some astrological reason perhaps?

Desperate. Angry. Disgusted. Disappointed. Useless.

It's useless. A pointless life. No interest in anything. Feel no connection to anyone. Never did.

Yes. Never did.

And the remedies offered by 'helpful' people...actually feel like poison..and is poison too. The last time I tried them I lost what little I had left.

Disgusting animals. That's what they are. Wounded and hurt that I am, they only rub salt in my wounds.

What a disgusting world. What disgusting people.

True love refuses to die

If she loved me she would say so. If she didn't she could say so. Since neither is happening, she doesn't know. I am going to see her last mail again. Is it that I just don't want to believe that she doesn't love me? 'Cause the last time I got her email it was pretty clear to me she didn't. And now I just want to think good things that don't exist.

I read her last mail and I'm struck by how self-satisfied she sounded. True, she has everything. She doesn't need me. And she can say it quite politely too, like: "Thank you for being a friend. And please don't try to get in touch with me again."

So sweet and yet so hurting.

A friend? That's wonderful. I did hope for more. But at least a friend I was. And she is thankful for it. So sweet. But what comes after is just the opposite, which makes you doubt the sincerity of what was said before. Please don't try to get in touch with me again?

What on earth does that mean?

The mail is dated Jul 7, 2007 9:54 AM. Today it's Sept 22, 2007. True love refuses to die.

Her

I loved her. I never thought I'd be so broken if I lost her. It's almost a year since I last saw her. And now I feel life is not worth living, there is no reason to live. That is something I've always felt. But somehow it seems more so now. The fact that she was with me for a while will be a sweet memory forever. Something that makes life a bit more worthwhile. Is it self-esteem she gave me? I think she did, sometimes. Sometimes I think it made no difference. A memory I have and her photo. Thank God for the photo. I got it off her profile and I remember copying it thinking it might vanish any second. That my mom vanished when I was 4 makes be think, subconsciously, that the people I love will vanish anytime. And they do. Also that I'm not worthy of love. But she was the only person in the 22 yrs of my life after my mom's death who made me feel that I was worthy of love. For that I am grateful. The memory can make me so happy...

This is the only thing I am really proud of. That she was with me for a while.

Thoughts- II

Sadness is more meaningful than happiness.

The problem is not that you don't have enough, but that you've lost the ability to enjoy what you have.

It is impossible to see the beauty around you when you work for a living.

When you find peace and happiness within you, you don't go searching for the same in either people or things. That's a good thing 'cause both are more harm than good.

It's better to die than to live in fear.