They didn't affect me at all

Feel so free... Unbound by the limitations in the minds of others. But why did I let them affect me? Because they were cruel enough to hurt me if I didn't conform to what they thought I should be. They spoke loudly so I couldn't work. They spoke in a language I couldn't understand so I would feel left out. So that they would spare me that torture. And did they? No. Then why?

Why did I let them affect me?

Because I didn't like them and if I was the real me they would know it. And I didn't want them to know it 'cause it could make me universally hated. And that would be cause for concern. I don't want to die.

I don't like you. So I'm leaving.

But there's more. They haven't affected me. I could have only been acting like they affected me so as to keep them at bay. I do this unconsciously with everyone so that they would feel satisfied and leave me and my individuality alone.

That's true because I am feeling free like I said. It was all just an act. They didn't affect me at all. And they will see it for themselves before I leave.

Chennai steals my underwear!

A real estate agent came in and stole my underwear!

He came in to show the house and in the process of showing the house to the people, he stole my underwear from the bathroom! He was rude from beginning to end: I rang twice at the door! Are you going out now? Are you staying alone? (Like that's any of his business.)

I remember the post I did about everyone in Chennai being either a cheat or a thief. At that time I wasn't sure. I felt I was being over-judgemental. But this latest happening removes all doubts from my mind.

I couldn't find my underwear. I was sure it was in the bathroom. On the towel bar. That's where I put it. After a long search, I knew it couldn't be anywhere else since I never put it anywhere else. Then I playfully said, "They must have stolen it," not believing it in the farthest reaches of my imagination. But then slowly it dawned on me. Yes, they did. He did.

Why?

I'm not even going into that.

My way

ex1

Very, very lonely. I mean, things are going my way and I still am not
satisfied. Very sad too. Saw Grudge now. Yes, that bored.

ex2

Facing facts is hard but helps u move forward. Coz you finally realize
what position you really are in. And grow.

ex3

Why is everyone so jealous of my success in whatever I do? So insecure? God!

Can't they learn a lesson or two from me instead of feeling jealous and trying to stop my progress? Especially if they're mallus. Sometimes I feel there is no reason to live.

But now think life is about pleasure. You get it one way or other. That's why even a convict sentenced to death lives. Life is pleasurable. Eating, sleeping, even shitting. The moment there is no pleasure, you might as well die. If you lose your senses altogether.

Feeling Day

7/apr/08

ex1

This is exasperating, cool, painful... I dunno what to say. I'm ashamed. But blameless.

Feeling very sick. Took a mushroom soup - 4 servings at once. Hope I had a SL today but probably theere is no room for that. I feel both sorry for my current company and they deserve it feeling.

ex2

ZET astrology s/w shows me that 2010 is going to be the most difficult year of my life. Wonder what that could be? Health problems, if I stay in Chennai any longer. Lumps and bumps all over my body - all harmless so far. Can what you write become real? Maybe there is a power like that. But I have the capricorn ability of slipping out of any situation when I have pushed too far.

Well, I don't care.

Maybe its all good stuff thats showing as red. 2005 showed red but it was the best year of my life I think.

Like I said, I don't care.

Excerpting from now on ....

I am going to publish excerpts from my diary from now on. Only the parts I am comfortable publishing.

5/apr/08

excerpt 1

Wherever I go people don't want me there. They treat me so badly that I eventually leave. There is no rocket science to this. It happened in my own family. It used to happen in my relatives' houses. It happens with my "friends." Happens at work.

Took me a while to realize, but I finally have.

How bad is it? Very, very bad situation, right? When every human being you see wants to mistreat you.

I can see only two options now: the first that came to mind - suicide. The second - revenge.

I mean, if they don't like me, can't they just avoid me or ignore me? I can deal with that. But to act like they are very interested in me and then hurt me terribly by mistreating me so that I would leave? That is incomprehensibly painful and disgusting.